


Unwelcomed Holiday Spirit

by Teamnoncanon



Category: All Time Low
Genre: Child Death, Christmas, Christmasy, M/M, Sad, Tree Hunting, Warning TEARS, happyish ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-04 07:04:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5324972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teamnoncanon/pseuds/Teamnoncanon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack and Alex have a devastating year and Jack tries to bring the holiday spirit back to his depressed husband.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unwelcomed Holiday Spirit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Flyzik](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flyzik/gifts).



“Jack I don’t know why we’re doing this.” Alex says softly as the skunk hair man pulled him by his hand through the snow on a tree farm. “It’s cold and dark and I just want to go home.” He continued to follow begrudgingly.

“Because it’s December and Christmas is coming.” Jack says, a forced amount of excitement in his voice. He wanted Christmas to be happy for them. God knows they needed it after the past year they’ve had.

“I don’t care about Christmas. It’s not like we have anyone to share it with.” Alex grumbles. “It’ll just be two grown men fakely enjoying a Capitalist holiday.” He was getting upset now. He didn’t want to think about the happiness of the holiday or anything else. He wanted to go curl up in bed and sleep until they had a show to play. 

“Alex, we’re going to do this. The therapist said we needed to get into the holiday spirit and that this could help.” Jack murmurs, pulling Alex closer. He hugs him for a second before turning to look at the tree that was right next to them. It was a good height and beautiful. “What about this one?” 

“It looks stupid. It’s missing branches there and there.” Alex says, pointing out two rather dorky holes on the tree. 

“I like it. I think it gives the tree character.” Jack decides, kissing Alex’s forehead. 

Alex rolls his eyes but melts a little at the kiss. He snuggles into Jack’s side. “We can put that huge Disney ornament that Matt got for... Nevermind.” He starts out semi-excited but ends up mumbling the rest. He didn’t want to think about that. He didn’t want to think about the years of happy Christmases they’d had. 

Jack sighs and rubs his side. “Babe, you know you have to start saying her name. Come on.” He whispers, hugging Alex tighter to him.

“I don’t want to!” Alex says, tears in his voice. “If I say her name then she was real and if she was real then she’s actually gone.” He whimpers. Tears began to pool in his eyes, but they were quickly kissed away by Jack.

“If she’s not real then the last four years of happiness aren’t either. I don’t want those four years to be gone baby.” Jack whispers, holding himself together for Alex. He did as their therapist had suggested, remembered the happy times. He remembered last Christmas, coming here with their daughter and picking out the best tree. She’d been all wrapped up in her little snow suit, hardly able to walk in it so Jack had carried her as Alex lead them on the hunt for the perfect Christmas tree.

“Sy-Sydney would have loved this tree.” Alex sniffles, looking at it again. “Her Minnie Mouse ornament will go perfect right there.” He mumbles, pointing to the open space again. 

“There you go baby.” Jack says encouragingly, letting himself go through the emotions of hearing her name. Pain, sadness, anger, regret, more sadness. He’d had just as much of a rough time with their loss as Alex had. Jack was just dealing with it a little better.

“Let’s get it.” Alex whispers before pressing his face into the soft fabric of Jack’s jacket. He shed a few tears, his shoulders heaving in silent sobs. Jack hugged him tightly with one arm while he spoke to the tree farmer and arranged to buy it. Once the man had walked away, Jack tilts Alex’s face up to kiss him softly. 

“They’re going to put it on our car for us. Want to go up to the shop and get hot chocolate and cookies?” Jack asks softly. Hopefully Alex would agree, it was just another holiday thing the could do to get into the spirit.

Alex nods against his shoulder, “We can go.” He whispers. He liked hot chocolate. Jack smiles at this and takes his hand, leading him towards the little shop that had hot beverages, cookies and some Christmas ornaments. 

Alex clung to Jack as the taller man paid for their hot chocolate and gingerbread men. He did glance around the shop though. He noticed a cute little princess crown hanging from one of the trees. He thinks about his little princess. Instead of dressed up in a beautiful dress or playing in snow, he remembered how she looked in the hospital. She’d been hooked up to so many machines and tubes, her breathing labored and her skin pale. 

Alex’s shoulder slouch and he walks over to the ornament. He trails his finger tip along the glittery edges. Tears slid out of his eyes for what seemed like the millionth time today. Jack appears behind him, offering him a styrofoam cup of hot chocolate. He kisses Alex’s neck softly. 

“It’s cute.” Jack whispers, looking at the ornament too. “Do you want it?” 

Alex stares between the ornament and his hot chocolate. After a minute, he whimpers. “Please?” He needed it. He wanted to have something for his princess, even if she’d never see it. 

Jack nods and reaching past Alex to take it off the tree. He kisses Alex’s neck again before going up to the register to pay for it. While he’s paying, the tree guy comes in and says that their tree was successfully loaded. Jack nods and thanks him, turning around to find Alex again. 

Alex had found a little poster hanging up on a cork board advertising a toy drive for the Children’s hospital. They were looking for new, wrapped presents for the children in the hospital. He startles a little bit when Jack taps on his shoulder. 

“Babe, lets go. Our tree is on the car.” Jack says, smiling softly. Alex nods mutely. He turns around and takes Jack’s hand, letting the younger man lead him back to their car.

The drive home was quiet, Alex’s mind running a million miles an hour. Tears ran down his face as Jack drove. His mind kept flashing back to his, their, daughter in the hospital bed. Her heart slowly caving in on itself. She’d been on the transplant list, but the doctors had caught it too late and she’d been too far gone before they even got her on the list. She was gone before a match could come. Both him and Jack had been there when her heart finally failed, both father’s holding a tiny hand each. 

Alex was mute as they carried the tree into their living room and set it up. He made it through five or six Christmas songs and decorating half of the tree before he was done. He sets the ornament that was in his hand down and walked towards the stairs. 

“I have to go to bed.” Alex says, not looking back at Jack as he climbs the stairs to their room. Even though he wasn't feel all that festive, he did out on his Christmas pajamas before curling up on his side of the bed. Tears spilled over, again. He was so sick of crying. He didn't want to cry any more. He wished he could live without her lifeless eyes coming back to him every time he even considered enjoying something. It didn't take long for him to feel long arms wrap around his waist and a strong chest press against his back. He didn't feel the kisses or hear the words being whispered anymore. It was always the same words and the same sentiments. No, he hadn't killed her, but he also hadn't caught it sooner. He didn't notice she wasn't healthy until it was too late. He didn't push the doctors for more time. He'd just sat back and watched as his baby girl died. 

Jack held onto Alex until he finally cried himself to sleep. This was a nightly occurrence and it wore on Jack. The only thing that kept Jack together was the fact that Alex wasn't pushing him away. The older man seemed to need his presence in his life. So many couples end it when things like this happen, but it didn't look like they would be. Alex would get through it and Jack would too. They'd survive it. 

The following morning, Alex woke up at sunrise, something he hadn't done since before Sydney had gotten sick. He didn't know why he was awake, he just was. He rolled out of bed and went down stairs. Was wasn't feeling better per say. Just different. He didn't turn on any Christmas music, but he did finish decorating the tree as the coffee brewed. 

Alex's hands shook as he put the crown on the tree and for once he had dries eyes. Once the tree was done, he decorated the rest of the down stairs, just like he did every year. He even put back up all of the pictures of Sydney that had been taken down. His chest ached and his hand shook, but he did it. And once the house was in order, he got dressed and left. 

When Jack woke up hours later, he surprised to see that Alex was awake before noon. That was a rarity these days. He took his time in the bathroom, assuming Alex was just downstairs watching tv. 

When Jack came downstairs, his first reaction to the fully decorated living room was excitement. His plan had worked. Then he saw the pictures sitting out and couldn't find Alex anywhere. He looked up in Sydney's room and even the basement. Alex wasn't to be found. Jack was full on panicking now. 

He calls Alex’s phone but he's sent to voicemail. He hangs up and calls again. Again he's sent to voicemail. Just as he's about to leave a frantic voicemail, a text comes through.

‘Do we have wrapping paper? Xx’ Alex sent. 

Jack tapes at the message, not understanding. 

‘Where are you?’ 

‘Shopping. Do we have wrapping paper?’

‘Maybe half a roll? Who are you shopping for?’ Jack was puzzled. He was even more puzzled when he didn't get a reply.

He anxiously paced their house for almost an hour before Alex came in the door, his arms covered in shopping bags. 

“Go grab the rest. They're in the truck.” Alex tells Jack, dropping the bags on the kitchen table. 

“What're you doing?” Jack looked at him, his eyebrows furrowed. 

“Christmas presents Jack. For the kids. They need presents too.” Alex tells him like it was obvious. He starts taking toys upon toys out of shopping bags. He'd spent almost five times what he would have spent on Christmas otherwise. But that didn't matter.

Jack was so confused, but he still did as Alex asked. He brought in the rest of the toys. 

“Babe, who are all of these for?” Jack asks, walking over to wrap his arms around Alex. He was a little worried, hoping his husband wasn't going to say Sydney. Alex continued to move in his arms, now he was setting up the wrapping paper so he could start wrapping presents. 

“The patients at Children’s Hospital. There's a toy drive.” Alex explains as he starts wrapping the first present. Jack looked around the room at the magnitude of presents. 

“It's going to take you hours to wrap all of these...” Jack frowns. 

“Then help.” Alex shrugs, continuing to wrap. Jack chuckles softly and kisses his cheek. He does pull away and start wrapping through. 

It took the two of them almost four hours to wrap all do the presents, taking coffee breaks every so often. At some point, Alex did stop to turn on Christmas music. His chest still hurt and his princess was still on his mind. But now he was thinking about how happy she'd been unwrapping presents last Christmas. And he could give that happiness to another parent. Having a purpose took the tremors in his hands away. 

Alex still felt empty during the holidays. And he still felt empty around her birthday. But the rest of the year he was okay. He could function. He had Jack to help him along and help him function. But every year after that, the Children's hospital of Maryland received a sizable donation of toys around Christmas in the name of Sydney Barakat. Alex hand wrapped each one.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
